The Wellness Retreat Incident
Sedona, Arizona
March 2024
Liora Chen paid $3,800 for a week at the Mycelial Wellness Center. Non-refundable.
Day three: she hides in the bathroom during "Moss Meditation," scrolling Indeed on her phone. Her tech startup folded two months ago. This retreat was supposed to help.
Kevin, the facilitator, knocks.
KEVIN: Liora? We're about to start Fungal Breathing.
LIORA: It's pronounced Lee-OR-ah. Not Lye-ora.
KEVIN: My apologies, Flarenth.
LIORA: What?
KEVIN: Your mushroom name. We discussed this at orientation.
She didn't attend orientation. She was throwing up from altitude sickness.
---
The Moss Room
Twenty people on cushions shaped like mushroom caps. Kevin mists the air with something labeled "Boundary Butter."
KEVIN: Today we explore what you're not.
LIORA: Employed. Next question.
Nervous laughter. Kevin doesn't break composure.
KEVIN: You're not your job, Flarenth. You're mycelial potential.
LIORA: My name is Liora. My potential is Netflix and wine.
WOMAN NEXT TO HER (whispers): Play along. It's easier.
The woman is crying. Everyone's crying. The room smells like patchouli and desperation.
---
The Letter
At lunch (quinoa bowls, $45 extra), someone hands Liora an envelope.
Inside: "You are not a mispronounced bureaucracy. You are fungal yearning."
LIORA: Who wrote this?
CRYING WOMAN: Myzrael. She channels messages from mushrooms.
LIORA: Mushrooms can write?
CRYING WOMAN: After enough ayahuasca, anything can write.
---
The Products
Kevin's table displays:
- Boundary Butter ($89)
- Mycelium Myself moisturizer ($120)
- Re-Spore™ totes ($45)
- His book: "Unspooling With Style" ($35)
Liora does the math. Twenty participants. Average spend $200. Kevin clears $4,000 per retreat. Monthly.
KEVIN: Flarenth, you seem tense.
LIORA: I spent my severance on this.
KEVIN: Investment in yourself is never—
LIORA: My mother has cancer. I told her I was at a job interview.
Silence.
KEVIN: Would you like to process that somatically?
LIORA: I'd like my money back.
KEVIN: All sales are final. But I can offer you a complimentary misting.
---
Day Four
Liora finds the crying woman (THALINE) outside, smoking.
THALINE: Thought this was a wellness retreat.
LIORA: Cigarettes are plant medicine.
They laugh. First real moment in three days.
THALINE: I'm a therapist. Real one. Lost my license for dating a client.
LIORA: I built an app that failed. Lost 2 million in VC money.
THALINE: What'd it do?
LIORA: Connected people with authentic experiences.
They look at the retreat center. The irony lands.
THALINE: Kevin's not even trained. Found his certificate online. Mushroom Therapy Institute. $50.
LIORA: You're kidding.
THALINE: His real name's Keith. From Scottsdale.
---
The Confrontation
Group session. Kevin guides them through "Composting Your Former Self."
LIORA: Question. What are your qualifications?
KEVIN: I've studied with indigenous teachers—
LIORA: Which ones?
KEVIN: Various traditions—
LIORA: Name one.
Silence. Others shifting uncomfortably.
KEVIN: Flarenth, your resistance is—
LIORA: My name is Liora Chen. I have an MBA from Wharton. My mother is dying. I spent money I don't have on your fake wellness bullshit.
She stands.
LIORA: You're not a healer. You're a guy named Keith selling overpriced moisturizer to desperate people.
KEVIN: I'm helping people transform—
LIORA: Into what? Broke?
She heads for the door. Stops.
LIORA: That woman's name is Thaline, not "Moss Whisper." That guy's name is David, not "Zenthra." We're not fungal. We're human. And humans deserve better than this.
---
The Exodus
Seven people follow her out.
In the parking lot, Thaline lights another cigarette.
THALINE: Now what?
LIORA: Now we drive to Phoenix. Get drunk. Figure out our actual lives.
DAVID/ZENTHRA: I could use a beer.
WOMAN WHO WAS CRYING: I'm Sarah. I teach third grade. My husband left me for someone who "vibrates higher."
LIORA: You're better off.
They pile into two cars.
---
Phoenix Dive Bar
They sit with real beer, real names, real problems.
SARAH: I did feel something though. In the moss room.
LIORA: Altitude sickness?
SARAH: No. Connection. Just... not to mushrooms. To other confused people.
THALINE: That's worth something.
LIORA: Not $3,800.
DAVID: I paid five grand. VIP package.
Everyone stares.
DAVID: Included a personalized mushroom name ceremony.
LIORA: What'd you get?
DAVID: Zenthra the Unfolding.
Beat.
Everyone explodes laughing. David too.
LIORA: To Zenthra the Unfolding!
They toast.
THALINE: To overpriced mistakes.
SARAH: To leaving when it's bullshit.
LIORA: To being exactly who we are. Mispronounced, unemployed, and absolutely not mushrooms.
---
Three Months Later
Liora's new app launches: "BullshitCheck."
It rates wellness retreats, spiritual teachers, and self-help gurus. Users submit receipts, results, and reviews.
The Mycelial Wellness Center: 1.5 stars.
Kevin threatens to sue. Liora's lawyer (Thaline's ex, funny story) sends back a one-line response:
"You're not a legal threat. You're a mispronounced bureaucracy."
The app gets 50,000 downloads week one.
Her mother, still in treatment, laughs when she hears.
MOTHER: You turned bullshit into business. Very American.
LIORA: Very human, Mom.
MOTHER: Same thing, different pronunciation.
End
